Fam(ILY)

Lately there is has been several things I have wanted to blog about but just haven't went and done it. Life has been pretty normal and pretty blah. I have been having some bad days. Lately everyday I have woke up with a skull cracking headache and every night it starts up again. Plus my anxiety has really been acting up. Luckily I have a doctor appt in a week! : )

But for a more happy topic-Today (well yesterday since it is 2:24am) was Father's Day. I spent most of the day at home cause I could not find my dad. This happens a lot in the summer cause my dad owns a pool company and any day that has nice weather is a good day for Dad to clean and work on pools. But I eventually found him and we spent several wonderful hours together. We talked about a lot of stuff that has been bothering both of us and we worked a lot out. Plus he loved the gifts I got him (two shirts, a picture frame with our picture in it and a CD.) Dad made me start seeing things differently. Its like he encourages me and roots me on. He makes me feel normal. Which makes me wonder why I feel so out of sorts here at my moms? But we also talked about religion and he gave me some great scriptures to look up. I love discussing religion with my dad-he is just a breath of fresh air compared to most religious figures I have spoke with. Also Dad has agreed to pay to get my teeth fixed. Sadly I have bad teeth, I always have. I have 4 bad teeth and I don't want to have anymore pulled. I am just ready to have a nice and healthy mouth. I also think my headaches might be from my bad teeth.

So tomorrow I will be calling the dentist and looking for a new job. I have only a week until I have to go get the 10 grand from my grandpa to go pay off my student loans and then REGISTER FOR SCHOOL! I have been having problems figuring out which program I want to start first-cosmetology or esthetics. Dad has recommend esthetics first since it is the shortest program, plus I could potential make more money with that license opposed to waiting over a year to get my cosmo license.

It was just a happy day filled with hope!

The Creation of Beauty is Art

So for once I'm actually gonna write a happy blog! As some of you may know (I don't really know if many read my blog) that I have been soul searching. A lot of it has to do with my career choice and path. I love skin, skin care and all that implies; I always have and always will. God gave me a gift and a love for skin. Now that sounds weird but I believe that the little and big things we love or are talented at are all God's purpose for us. And He made me with a love for skin. BUT lately I have been thinking I also want to go to school for Cosmetology. I went before-spend two months in cosmetology school and basically flaked out on it. I dont really know why; I used to think it was because I didn't have a true passion for it but now I think I was just scared. But now I am ready and I really think I would be great at hair, skin and nails. So I plan to attend cosmetology school for a year, get my license and then go to school for esthetics's. I will be double licensed and killer good. I'll be a double threat-he he he. I will be able to build a higher clientele and ultimately make more money. Money shouldn't be what pulls us to our calling and it shouldn't control our life but it is important. We need it to live and survive. I dont want to be a millionaire and I know I probably never will be. I dont want to be famous or drive a Bentley or live in a 4.5 million dollar home. I just want a nice ranch size home, a reliable car, money for my bills (and of course a little extra for my purse, makeup and book addiction) money in my my savings for my children and to be able to support and take care of my family. For those of you who dont know my husband is disabled. He worked for the first 2 and half years of our relationship but finally he had to give in. He has epilepsy, anxiety, depression and kidney disease. He is such a strong man though, he never lets his illnesses get him down and he never complains. I have to tell him to rest or slow down. He is a true survivor (he actually survived Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma cancer) and he is my inspiration and my driving force. He took care of me when I was too depressed to get out of bed or go out and face the world so now I will be his rock. I want to be a woman that my children look up to, a woman that my parents are proud of, the woman God made me to be. His purpose isn't always clear but when it is reveled to us it is amazing! I'm truly happy right now!

Been awhile...

Well it has been quite awhile since my last posting, I have laid in bed many nights and thought "I should blog these feelings" but just haven't got up to do it. And then last night a friend of mine posted a new blog and shared it on Facebook. I went and read it and several others posting of hers and really missed my blogging. She also had the most awesome layout and different gadgets on her blog. So today I just had to edit and write.

A lot has been going on around our home. My mom's boyfriend who is also Hannah's daddy came home. He has been in prison the last 7 years and it has been really nice having him around. If you are wondering he went to prison for a drug charge. My own mother is a recovered meth addict. She used for over 20 years and has been to prison twice herself. Her addiction has really helped shape who I am today. I know that might sound weird but because of how she was and what I have faced due to drugs; I have become a better person. I got to see first hand the reality of life and I got to see that addiction is an awful disease. Its not just a choice; it may start out that way but soon it becomes a demon. She was born with an "addictive personality" and meth became her life. She has been sober for over 5 years now and I am very proud of her accomplishments and the battle she has faced.

I have also been facing a battle of my own. Actually I have been facing it for over three years now. Dave and I have been unable to get pregnant and lately it has really been tearing me apart! I see so many of my friends and people I went to high school with getting pregnant and having babies. It hurts to see these new mothers and fathers holding those precious miracles. Of course it also makes me overjoyed for them to be able to partake in such a blessing but I still envy them. We have tried a lot of the wife's tales-checking my temperature, charting my ovulation and just not thinking about it. But every month the same outcome happens-no baby. I actually got pregnant in Oct. of 2009 and was ecstatic! I took 4 tests just to be sure and they all had a faint blue line but several days later I started to bleed very badly and had a slight fever. So we rushed to the ER and they told us the awful news-"Your not pregnant." I was devastated-I hid from the world for over a week. I cried for the lose of our baby, for the lose of parenthood, for the loss of love. Then I was like a mad woman trying to conceive. I drove everyone crazy, especially my husband. I talked non stop about names and clothes and birthing techniques. But Dave never seemed to take an interest and it hurt me. We eventually fought over it and I found out he was too sad to want to talk about babies. He wanted a child as much as I did but just felt like talking about it made it worse. But I had to, I had to keep my hopes up or at least talk about my heartache. After over 2 years of trying I gave up, decided God wasn't ready to give us a baby and told Dave we should just wait. Then it was like a switch went off in him-suddenly our roles reversed and he was the mad man about babies. He has stayed that way to this day. Ever month if I act differently or abnormal he thinks I'm pregnant and yet he is always disappointed. But lately my urge to get pregnant has returned and now it seems like the sore has been ripped open. I haven't told Dave how sad I am. He might already know but I just want to keep this to myself (the the blogger world) for awhile. We will keep trying and see if God is ready for us to be parents. It is all in His timing and all by His grace. I was mad at God for some time and then I was worried I had did something wrong, something that would make God not want to bless me with children. And then there is also that horrible dread that something is physically wrong with me and that is why we cannot get pregnant. I don't have the money or insurance to see a fertility specialist. All the tests and procedures are sooooo expensive. And of course we are too young for adoption. So it is basically up to the old fashioned way to have a baby. I pray we can finally reach our goal. God has a baby for us, we just haven't received that blessing yet.

Wake Up Call

So just about an hour ago I got a phone call from my Dad. Now I have a close relationship with my dad but we usually only talk maybe once a month. So for him to call me was a big surprise cause I usually call him. But anyway the conversation was unpleasant to say the least. He layed into me-asking me what I'm doing with my life, where is my life going, why I don't call him more. He feels like I don't give a shit about him, which is completely ridicules cause I love my daddy with all my heart. I've always been a daddy's girl. But he went further asking how Dave is and asking if I was going to have to be the bread winner in our marriage. To which I answered yes cause its the truth. Dave will always have to deal with his epilepsy and its not something you can predict. Seizures come and seizures go. So I realized a long time ago that I was gonna have to work my ass off to support our family. Which I dont have a problem with its just getting to the point where I can bring home the bacon that's the problem.

Even though my dad made me cry and basically feel like shit-he is right. His call was a wake up call. I need to get moving on my future, I need to get my life back and I will do anything I can to achieve my goals. I want him to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. So I'm not going to be easy on myself anymore. I will defeat this anxiety and I will kick ass in this world. I have an interview on Wed. which I am pretty excited about. Its a children's closing store in the Chesterfield mall. It will start out part time and will move to full time with the potential of me becoming assistant manager. I love retail and I am very comfortable working in retail. I also love children so I will love helping mothers and fathers pick out clothing for their children. Its also a great opportunity cause since it is in chesterfield it will be really close to school. So I can go straight from school to work.

But it is amazing how sometimes we can stray so far off the path, we think we are doing things right but in reality we are not. And sometimes it takes someone you love yelling at you for you realize that you are basically screwing up big time. I respect my dad a great deal and his opinion and his approval is very important to me. So I am thankful for the relationship we have. I am thankful he can be so abrupt with me. Yeah he comes off harsh a lot and I may get mad at him for it. But after the storm has calmed I see his point and I realize he says these things cause he loves me and wants me to have a great life. I want to have a great life to and I am ready to start moving forward. Ready to stop making excuses and get my butt out of this bed. Out of this house and start making a change.

Another thing I really want to change is my spiritual life. I want to be closer to God, I want to know the scripture, I want to learn so much. I have strayed away from my Lord and I need to get back to him. I need to find a church where I am comfortable, one where I can finally have a church family.

My life starts changing now and that's all there is too it!

Lyrics for the soul

Not really much to say today except I was driving in my car back from Walmart and I was listening to my Paramore cd. One of the songs on the album really spoke to me today for some reason. Maybe it reminded me of things that are going on in my life. Things that happened within the last year. Losing my grandma, Dave and I having to move in with my mom, my dog dying, my anxiety being more then I can handle. But anywho here are the lyrics to "Turn it Off" by Paramore.

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Lonely...

I really miss having good girl friends. Girls I can talk to about anything and everything, girls I can hang out with and laugh with and cry with. I've grown apart from all my high school friends; yes I still talk to them and occasionally see them but its just not the same. I see a lot of my facebook friends hanging out with their friends and posting about the fun they are having. I miss that. I just wish I had a special group of friends I could talk with and hang out with. I spend a lot of time with my mom and she is great but sometimes a girl just needs to be around other girls her age-you know? I just feel like I've stopped moving forward. Like I'm standing perfectly still watching those around me move forward. Its frustrating and it makes me very sad. I just need to get out. I'm not really a go out and about kind of girl but I love hanging out with friends. Going to their houses and just enjoying each other's company. I just seems so much harder to meet new friends now that I'm out of high school. Life is truly complicating for me right now. UGH....Lonely.

Where the Heart is

So today was honestly one of the worst days of my life! My husband has epilepsy and sometimes he has very bad grand mal seizures. Today was no exception. Since Sunday morning my hubby had been having a very bad migraine and today everything went downhill. He was laying on the couch and started to have a small seizure. So at first I didn't think much of it but after 5 minutes he still hadn't came out of it. So my mom called 911 and we had an ambulance rushed to us. Now I have had to call an ambulance for him many times so I wasn't very freaked out. I thought they would come, stop his seizure and take him to our local ER. Well after about 7 minutes of them being here I started to notice something was very wrong. And I was right; his oxygen levels were too low and they were unable to bring him out of the seizure. One of the paramedics even started looking scared. Then she kept calling for the fire department to be dispatched here asap and then she called to have air vac flown in. That's when I lost it! I started crying hysterically and hyperventilating. Finally after Dave being in a seizure for over 20 minutes they brought him out of it and took him to the helicopter. Where they land is in a field right next to our house so I was able to watch them load him and take off.

Thankfully now Dave is fine. He was admitted to the hospital and is in the best care. This whole thing made me see things very differently. We all take things for granted and I have took my marriage with Dave for granted. At the thought of losing him I broke, I saw my life without him. I saw no children, no dream house that we had bought ourselves and made our home. So now I  know I will start doing things differently, I will appreciate him more and be a better wife, the wife he deserves. Because he treats me like his queen! I love him so much and I know God was testing me. I will be better for Dave and for God! I know where my heart it and it is in Dave's hands!