Been awhile...

Well it has been quite awhile since my last posting, I have laid in bed many nights and thought "I should blog these feelings" but just haven't got up to do it. And then last night a friend of mine posted a new blog and shared it on Facebook. I went and read it and several others posting of hers and really missed my blogging. She also had the most awesome layout and different gadgets on her blog. So today I just had to edit and write.

A lot has been going on around our home. My mom's boyfriend who is also Hannah's daddy came home. He has been in prison the last 7 years and it has been really nice having him around. If you are wondering he went to prison for a drug charge. My own mother is a recovered meth addict. She used for over 20 years and has been to prison twice herself. Her addiction has really helped shape who I am today. I know that might sound weird but because of how she was and what I have faced due to drugs; I have become a better person. I got to see first hand the reality of life and I got to see that addiction is an awful disease. Its not just a choice; it may start out that way but soon it becomes a demon. She was born with an "addictive personality" and meth became her life. She has been sober for over 5 years now and I am very proud of her accomplishments and the battle she has faced.

I have also been facing a battle of my own. Actually I have been facing it for over three years now. Dave and I have been unable to get pregnant and lately it has really been tearing me apart! I see so many of my friends and people I went to high school with getting pregnant and having babies. It hurts to see these new mothers and fathers holding those precious miracles. Of course it also makes me overjoyed for them to be able to partake in such a blessing but I still envy them. We have tried a lot of the wife's tales-checking my temperature, charting my ovulation and just not thinking about it. But every month the same outcome happens-no baby. I actually got pregnant in Oct. of 2009 and was ecstatic! I took 4 tests just to be sure and they all had a faint blue line but several days later I started to bleed very badly and had a slight fever. So we rushed to the ER and they told us the awful news-"Your not pregnant." I was devastated-I hid from the world for over a week. I cried for the lose of our baby, for the lose of parenthood, for the loss of love. Then I was like a mad woman trying to conceive. I drove everyone crazy, especially my husband. I talked non stop about names and clothes and birthing techniques. But Dave never seemed to take an interest and it hurt me. We eventually fought over it and I found out he was too sad to want to talk about babies. He wanted a child as much as I did but just felt like talking about it made it worse. But I had to, I had to keep my hopes up or at least talk about my heartache. After over 2 years of trying I gave up, decided God wasn't ready to give us a baby and told Dave we should just wait. Then it was like a switch went off in him-suddenly our roles reversed and he was the mad man about babies. He has stayed that way to this day. Ever month if I act differently or abnormal he thinks I'm pregnant and yet he is always disappointed. But lately my urge to get pregnant has returned and now it seems like the sore has been ripped open. I haven't told Dave how sad I am. He might already know but I just want to keep this to myself (the the blogger world) for awhile. We will keep trying and see if God is ready for us to be parents. It is all in His timing and all by His grace. I was mad at God for some time and then I was worried I had did something wrong, something that would make God not want to bless me with children. And then there is also that horrible dread that something is physically wrong with me and that is why we cannot get pregnant. I don't have the money or insurance to see a fertility specialist. All the tests and procedures are sooooo expensive. And of course we are too young for adoption. So it is basically up to the old fashioned way to have a baby. I pray we can finally reach our goal. God has a baby for us, we just haven't received that blessing yet.