Today was such a goregous day! My mom went out and bought one of those roll and grow flowers a couple days ago so I asked Dave if he would help me put them in our flower bed. And he is so wonderful that he dug up all the weeds and raked out the soil. I rolled out the flower seeds and we watered the crap out of the bed. Its gonna look gorgeous in 10-14 days!
Gardening always reminds me of new opportunities and chance for growth. And its fitting that I decided to plant these seeds because lately I have been reevaluating my life and wanting to grow as a person. I look at old pictures of myself and realize that that girl in the pictures is a stranger to me now. I used to be outgoing, active and ready for anything. Now I barely live a life! I want change and I'm determined to get it. I'm ready to be a better me and branch out my life. I think starting this blog was a good first step for me cause it made me start thinking. Thinking about what to write and thinking about my life. School will be another good step for me. I start my esthetics's classes in September and I know it will be a well needed change. In school I always shined-I love learning and in high school I maintained very good grades. I was a cheerleader and in FCCLA. I loved being involved with school projects and activities and I know it will be no different this time around. Last time I was in college I did really well. I had one of the highest G.P.A.s in school and I loved all my teachers. Xenon was like a second home and I can't wait to go back! I also would like to find a small part time job-that is the scary thing for me. My anxiety is so bad that interviews are awful for me. When I get to the job location and actually sit down for the interview I'm fine but before I am a bucket of nerves! But maybe a small restaurant or a little retail store would be good. A way for me to make a little money and feel good about myself. Jobs are hard to come by but fast food or restaurants are always in need for more help. My husband and I have also decided we need to move into our own place again. I love my mom and my sisters as I have stated in my last post but living in someone else's space is nearly impossible. So we have started looking for a small rental home. I can't wait to be amidst my own stuff again, putting up my pictures and nick-knacks and organizing my stuff. I love to organize. Everything has a place and every place needs a thing-as I like to say. The last thing I plan to do is make a list-I am a big list maker. One that details what I would like to improve about myself.
This whole new journey will take a long time and it will be difficult at times but I know it will make me much happier. Just like the new seeds in my flower bed; I can't wait to see myself, my life and my future grow!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
A day of gray
Starting something is actually one of my biggest flaws. I have some many things rolling around in my head and I always say to myself "I should write about it, I should blog it!" Many of my friends blog and I love reading about their triumphs, their struggles or just there day to day lives. So why not me? I could do that-I tell myself. So here I am, here I go.
Today was beyond awful. I haven't felt right for about three weeks now and I didn't get much sleep because I wanted to watch the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. Which by the way was beyond words-simply amazing. A great event for my generation. So When I finally got some sleep-it was restless, filled with the odd things I dream about. When I woke up needless to say I felt like crap. I didn't want to do anything today, just wanted to try to fell better. But unfortunately I live with my mother. Now don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart but she is a clean freak. And yes the house was a little messy so I knew that she would want to clean it today. I tried to do some little things to help, things that wouldn't wear me out even more. But she just went off the deep end! She screamed about the cats and the dogs and how the house never used to get this back. So I take her words as hurtful. And after hearing her talk like this for months upon months it has started to get to me. When I do help her it is never enough, there is always something more she wants from me. And I don't mind helping her its just that she belittles me so much. Tells me I don't take care of my animals well and complains about the mess in my room. My husband and I moved out of our apartment and in with my mom so we could save up for a house. So all of our things are either crammed into a tiny closet or stacked all around our room or in our tiny storage unit we rented.
I feel like I cant breathe here sometimes. Like I cant be my true self. Sometimes I feel like this house is my personal prison. Its not big enough for us all and that is why is gets messy quickly. When I had my own place I cleaned almost everyday, but I knew where my things and my husbands things went. I didn't have someone breathing down my neck on when it needed to be cleaned. If I felt yucky one day I would say "aww skip the house work today" and I would work on it the next day. I just need to feel like myself again and I cant do it here.
So I call today a Day of Gray because its not total blackness and its definitely not sunny. Its a day where I total lost it on my mom and we fought ugly but it was also a day where I realized that I need my own space, somewhere to be me. Ive always thought Gray Days were a time to think and draw new conclusions and today I have decided to move out of here.
Today was beyond awful. I haven't felt right for about three weeks now and I didn't get much sleep because I wanted to watch the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. Which by the way was beyond words-simply amazing. A great event for my generation. So When I finally got some sleep-it was restless, filled with the odd things I dream about. When I woke up needless to say I felt like crap. I didn't want to do anything today, just wanted to try to fell better. But unfortunately I live with my mother. Now don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart but she is a clean freak. And yes the house was a little messy so I knew that she would want to clean it today. I tried to do some little things to help, things that wouldn't wear me out even more. But she just went off the deep end! She screamed about the cats and the dogs and how the house never used to get this back. So I take her words as hurtful. And after hearing her talk like this for months upon months it has started to get to me. When I do help her it is never enough, there is always something more she wants from me. And I don't mind helping her its just that she belittles me so much. Tells me I don't take care of my animals well and complains about the mess in my room. My husband and I moved out of our apartment and in with my mom so we could save up for a house. So all of our things are either crammed into a tiny closet or stacked all around our room or in our tiny storage unit we rented.
I feel like I cant breathe here sometimes. Like I cant be my true self. Sometimes I feel like this house is my personal prison. Its not big enough for us all and that is why is gets messy quickly. When I had my own place I cleaned almost everyday, but I knew where my things and my husbands things went. I didn't have someone breathing down my neck on when it needed to be cleaned. If I felt yucky one day I would say "aww skip the house work today" and I would work on it the next day. I just need to feel like myself again and I cant do it here.
So I call today a Day of Gray because its not total blackness and its definitely not sunny. Its a day where I total lost it on my mom and we fought ugly but it was also a day where I realized that I need my own space, somewhere to be me. Ive always thought Gray Days were a time to think and draw new conclusions and today I have decided to move out of here.
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