Wake Up Call

So just about an hour ago I got a phone call from my Dad. Now I have a close relationship with my dad but we usually only talk maybe once a month. So for him to call me was a big surprise cause I usually call him. But anyway the conversation was unpleasant to say the least. He layed into me-asking me what I'm doing with my life, where is my life going, why I don't call him more. He feels like I don't give a shit about him, which is completely ridicules cause I love my daddy with all my heart. I've always been a daddy's girl. But he went further asking how Dave is and asking if I was going to have to be the bread winner in our marriage. To which I answered yes cause its the truth. Dave will always have to deal with his epilepsy and its not something you can predict. Seizures come and seizures go. So I realized a long time ago that I was gonna have to work my ass off to support our family. Which I dont have a problem with its just getting to the point where I can bring home the bacon that's the problem.

Even though my dad made me cry and basically feel like shit-he is right. His call was a wake up call. I need to get moving on my future, I need to get my life back and I will do anything I can to achieve my goals. I want him to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. So I'm not going to be easy on myself anymore. I will defeat this anxiety and I will kick ass in this world. I have an interview on Wed. which I am pretty excited about. Its a children's closing store in the Chesterfield mall. It will start out part time and will move to full time with the potential of me becoming assistant manager. I love retail and I am very comfortable working in retail. I also love children so I will love helping mothers and fathers pick out clothing for their children. Its also a great opportunity cause since it is in chesterfield it will be really close to school. So I can go straight from school to work.

But it is amazing how sometimes we can stray so far off the path, we think we are doing things right but in reality we are not. And sometimes it takes someone you love yelling at you for you realize that you are basically screwing up big time. I respect my dad a great deal and his opinion and his approval is very important to me. So I am thankful for the relationship we have. I am thankful he can be so abrupt with me. Yeah he comes off harsh a lot and I may get mad at him for it. But after the storm has calmed I see his point and I realize he says these things cause he loves me and wants me to have a great life. I want to have a great life to and I am ready to start moving forward. Ready to stop making excuses and get my butt out of this bed. Out of this house and start making a change.

Another thing I really want to change is my spiritual life. I want to be closer to God, I want to know the scripture, I want to learn so much. I have strayed away from my Lord and I need to get back to him. I need to find a church where I am comfortable, one where I can finally have a church family.

My life starts changing now and that's all there is too it!

Lyrics for the soul

Not really much to say today except I was driving in my car back from Walmart and I was listening to my Paramore cd. One of the songs on the album really spoke to me today for some reason. Maybe it reminded me of things that are going on in my life. Things that happened within the last year. Losing my grandma, Dave and I having to move in with my mom, my dog dying, my anxiety being more then I can handle. But anywho here are the lyrics to "Turn it Off" by Paramore.

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Lonely...

I really miss having good girl friends. Girls I can talk to about anything and everything, girls I can hang out with and laugh with and cry with. I've grown apart from all my high school friends; yes I still talk to them and occasionally see them but its just not the same. I see a lot of my facebook friends hanging out with their friends and posting about the fun they are having. I miss that. I just wish I had a special group of friends I could talk with and hang out with. I spend a lot of time with my mom and she is great but sometimes a girl just needs to be around other girls her age-you know? I just feel like I've stopped moving forward. Like I'm standing perfectly still watching those around me move forward. Its frustrating and it makes me very sad. I just need to get out. I'm not really a go out and about kind of girl but I love hanging out with friends. Going to their houses and just enjoying each other's company. I just seems so much harder to meet new friends now that I'm out of high school. Life is truly complicating for me right now. UGH....Lonely.

Where the Heart is

So today was honestly one of the worst days of my life! My husband has epilepsy and sometimes he has very bad grand mal seizures. Today was no exception. Since Sunday morning my hubby had been having a very bad migraine and today everything went downhill. He was laying on the couch and started to have a small seizure. So at first I didn't think much of it but after 5 minutes he still hadn't came out of it. So my mom called 911 and we had an ambulance rushed to us. Now I have had to call an ambulance for him many times so I wasn't very freaked out. I thought they would come, stop his seizure and take him to our local ER. Well after about 7 minutes of them being here I started to notice something was very wrong. And I was right; his oxygen levels were too low and they were unable to bring him out of the seizure. One of the paramedics even started looking scared. Then she kept calling for the fire department to be dispatched here asap and then she called to have air vac flown in. That's when I lost it! I started crying hysterically and hyperventilating. Finally after Dave being in a seizure for over 20 minutes they brought him out of it and took him to the helicopter. Where they land is in a field right next to our house so I was able to watch them load him and take off.

Thankfully now Dave is fine. He was admitted to the hospital and is in the best care. This whole thing made me see things very differently. We all take things for granted and I have took my marriage with Dave for granted. At the thought of losing him I broke, I saw my life without him. I saw no children, no dream house that we had bought ourselves and made our home. So now I  know I will start doing things differently, I will appreciate him more and be a better wife, the wife he deserves. Because he treats me like his queen! I love him so much and I know God was testing me. I will be better for Dave and for God! I know where my heart it and it is in Dave's hands!