Lately there is has been several things I have wanted to blog about but just haven't went and done it. Life has been pretty normal and pretty blah. I have been having some bad days. Lately everyday I have woke up with a skull cracking headache and every night it starts up again. Plus my anxiety has really been acting up. Luckily I have a doctor appt in a week! : )
But for a more happy topic-Today (well yesterday since it is 2:24am) was Father's Day. I spent most of the day at home cause I could not find my dad. This happens a lot in the summer cause my dad owns a pool company and any day that has nice weather is a good day for Dad to clean and work on pools. But I eventually found him and we spent several wonderful hours together. We talked about a lot of stuff that has been bothering both of us and we worked a lot out. Plus he loved the gifts I got him (two shirts, a picture frame with our picture in it and a CD.) Dad made me start seeing things differently. Its like he encourages me and roots me on. He makes me feel normal. Which makes me wonder why I feel so out of sorts here at my moms? But we also talked about religion and he gave me some great scriptures to look up. I love discussing religion with my dad-he is just a breath of fresh air compared to most religious figures I have spoke with. Also Dad has agreed to pay to get my teeth fixed. Sadly I have bad teeth, I always have. I have 4 bad teeth and I don't want to have anymore pulled. I am just ready to have a nice and healthy mouth. I also think my headaches might be from my bad teeth.
So tomorrow I will be calling the dentist and looking for a new job. I have only a week until I have to go get the 10 grand from my grandpa to go pay off my student loans and then REGISTER FOR SCHOOL! I have been having problems figuring out which program I want to start first-cosmetology or esthetics. Dad has recommend esthetics first since it is the shortest program, plus I could potential make more money with that license opposed to waiting over a year to get my cosmo license.
It was just a happy day filled with hope!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Creation of Beauty is Art
So for once I'm actually gonna write a happy blog! As some of you may know (I don't really know if many read my blog) that I have been soul searching. A lot of it has to do with my career choice and path. I love skin, skin care and all that implies; I always have and always will. God gave me a gift and a love for skin. Now that sounds weird but I believe that the little and big things we love or are talented at are all God's purpose for us. And He made me with a love for skin. BUT lately I have been thinking I also want to go to school for Cosmetology. I went before-spend two months in cosmetology school and basically flaked out on it. I dont really know why; I used to think it was because I didn't have a true passion for it but now I think I was just scared. But now I am ready and I really think I would be great at hair, skin and nails. So I plan to attend cosmetology school for a year, get my license and then go to school for esthetics's. I will be double licensed and killer good. I'll be a double threat-he he he. I will be able to build a higher clientele and ultimately make more money. Money shouldn't be what pulls us to our calling and it shouldn't control our life but it is important. We need it to live and survive. I dont want to be a millionaire and I know I probably never will be. I dont want to be famous or drive a Bentley or live in a 4.5 million dollar home. I just want a nice ranch size home, a reliable car, money for my bills (and of course a little extra for my purse, makeup and book addiction) money in my my savings for my children and to be able to support and take care of my family. For those of you who dont know my husband is disabled. He worked for the first 2 and half years of our relationship but finally he had to give in. He has epilepsy, anxiety, depression and kidney disease. He is such a strong man though, he never lets his illnesses get him down and he never complains. I have to tell him to rest or slow down. He is a true survivor (he actually survived Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma cancer) and he is my inspiration and my driving force. He took care of me when I was too depressed to get out of bed or go out and face the world so now I will be his rock. I want to be a woman that my children look up to, a woman that my parents are proud of, the woman God made me to be. His purpose isn't always clear but when it is reveled to us it is amazing! I'm truly happy right now!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Been awhile...
Well it has been quite awhile since my last posting, I have laid in bed many nights and thought "I should blog these feelings" but just haven't got up to do it. And then last night a friend of mine posted a new blog and shared it on Facebook. I went and read it and several others posting of hers and really missed my blogging. She also had the most awesome layout and different gadgets on her blog. So today I just had to edit and write.
A lot has been going on around our home. My mom's boyfriend who is also Hannah's daddy came home. He has been in prison the last 7 years and it has been really nice having him around. If you are wondering he went to prison for a drug charge. My own mother is a recovered meth addict. She used for over 20 years and has been to prison twice herself. Her addiction has really helped shape who I am today. I know that might sound weird but because of how she was and what I have faced due to drugs; I have become a better person. I got to see first hand the reality of life and I got to see that addiction is an awful disease. Its not just a choice; it may start out that way but soon it becomes a demon. She was born with an "addictive personality" and meth became her life. She has been sober for over 5 years now and I am very proud of her accomplishments and the battle she has faced.
I have also been facing a battle of my own. Actually I have been facing it for over three years now. Dave and I have been unable to get pregnant and lately it has really been tearing me apart! I see so many of my friends and people I went to high school with getting pregnant and having babies. It hurts to see these new mothers and fathers holding those precious miracles. Of course it also makes me overjoyed for them to be able to partake in such a blessing but I still envy them. We have tried a lot of the wife's tales-checking my temperature, charting my ovulation and just not thinking about it. But every month the same outcome happens-no baby. I actually got pregnant in Oct. of 2009 and was ecstatic! I took 4 tests just to be sure and they all had a faint blue line but several days later I started to bleed very badly and had a slight fever. So we rushed to the ER and they told us the awful news-"Your not pregnant." I was devastated-I hid from the world for over a week. I cried for the lose of our baby, for the lose of parenthood, for the loss of love. Then I was like a mad woman trying to conceive. I drove everyone crazy, especially my husband. I talked non stop about names and clothes and birthing techniques. But Dave never seemed to take an interest and it hurt me. We eventually fought over it and I found out he was too sad to want to talk about babies. He wanted a child as much as I did but just felt like talking about it made it worse. But I had to, I had to keep my hopes up or at least talk about my heartache. After over 2 years of trying I gave up, decided God wasn't ready to give us a baby and told Dave we should just wait. Then it was like a switch went off in him-suddenly our roles reversed and he was the mad man about babies. He has stayed that way to this day. Ever month if I act differently or abnormal he thinks I'm pregnant and yet he is always disappointed. But lately my urge to get pregnant has returned and now it seems like the sore has been ripped open. I haven't told Dave how sad I am. He might already know but I just want to keep this to myself (the the blogger world) for awhile. We will keep trying and see if God is ready for us to be parents. It is all in His timing and all by His grace. I was mad at God for some time and then I was worried I had did something wrong, something that would make God not want to bless me with children. And then there is also that horrible dread that something is physically wrong with me and that is why we cannot get pregnant. I don't have the money or insurance to see a fertility specialist. All the tests and procedures are sooooo expensive. And of course we are too young for adoption. So it is basically up to the old fashioned way to have a baby. I pray we can finally reach our goal. God has a baby for us, we just haven't received that blessing yet.
A lot has been going on around our home. My mom's boyfriend who is also Hannah's daddy came home. He has been in prison the last 7 years and it has been really nice having him around. If you are wondering he went to prison for a drug charge. My own mother is a recovered meth addict. She used for over 20 years and has been to prison twice herself. Her addiction has really helped shape who I am today. I know that might sound weird but because of how she was and what I have faced due to drugs; I have become a better person. I got to see first hand the reality of life and I got to see that addiction is an awful disease. Its not just a choice; it may start out that way but soon it becomes a demon. She was born with an "addictive personality" and meth became her life. She has been sober for over 5 years now and I am very proud of her accomplishments and the battle she has faced.
I have also been facing a battle of my own. Actually I have been facing it for over three years now. Dave and I have been unable to get pregnant and lately it has really been tearing me apart! I see so many of my friends and people I went to high school with getting pregnant and having babies. It hurts to see these new mothers and fathers holding those precious miracles. Of course it also makes me overjoyed for them to be able to partake in such a blessing but I still envy them. We have tried a lot of the wife's tales-checking my temperature, charting my ovulation and just not thinking about it. But every month the same outcome happens-no baby. I actually got pregnant in Oct. of 2009 and was ecstatic! I took 4 tests just to be sure and they all had a faint blue line but several days later I started to bleed very badly and had a slight fever. So we rushed to the ER and they told us the awful news-"Your not pregnant." I was devastated-I hid from the world for over a week. I cried for the lose of our baby, for the lose of parenthood, for the loss of love. Then I was like a mad woman trying to conceive. I drove everyone crazy, especially my husband. I talked non stop about names and clothes and birthing techniques. But Dave never seemed to take an interest and it hurt me. We eventually fought over it and I found out he was too sad to want to talk about babies. He wanted a child as much as I did but just felt like talking about it made it worse. But I had to, I had to keep my hopes up or at least talk about my heartache. After over 2 years of trying I gave up, decided God wasn't ready to give us a baby and told Dave we should just wait. Then it was like a switch went off in him-suddenly our roles reversed and he was the mad man about babies. He has stayed that way to this day. Ever month if I act differently or abnormal he thinks I'm pregnant and yet he is always disappointed. But lately my urge to get pregnant has returned and now it seems like the sore has been ripped open. I haven't told Dave how sad I am. He might already know but I just want to keep this to myself (the the blogger world) for awhile. We will keep trying and see if God is ready for us to be parents. It is all in His timing and all by His grace. I was mad at God for some time and then I was worried I had did something wrong, something that would make God not want to bless me with children. And then there is also that horrible dread that something is physically wrong with me and that is why we cannot get pregnant. I don't have the money or insurance to see a fertility specialist. All the tests and procedures are sooooo expensive. And of course we are too young for adoption. So it is basically up to the old fashioned way to have a baby. I pray we can finally reach our goal. God has a baby for us, we just haven't received that blessing yet.
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