A Nightmare of a Life

I feel as if I can do nothing right. Its been like that my whole life-letting people down or saying the wrong thing. It especially seems this way with my mother. I feel like I am not the daughter she wanted. No matter what I'm always to blame or I have to come and help her clean up her problems. Living with her these last 13 months has been a little bit of a nightmare. She is so anal about how she wants things done or cleaned. She is someone who expects you to be a certain way but she does not live up to her own standards. It's draining. And it has only gotten worse since her boyfriend/fiance moved in. Things are slowly changing into what he wants.

Tonight is the perfect example. We have 4 cats-three of them are mine. Well one of the cats has been going to the bathroom in various places around the house (bathtub, closet, kitchen) and last night mom and her boyfriend had a fit about it. Now I can understand that no one wants to find cat poop on the floor or in your bathroom but my mom's fiance went as far as saying he was gonna shoot them all! So when he came home from work today the subject somehow came up. He got super pissed and stormed out. Then mom got pissed. So I said "Screw all this-just get rid of them all!" So my husband and my mom's boyfriend took three of our 4 cats to a friend of ours house. Someone they knew would take care of them. I of course cried cause I loved my kitties. I love all my animals like they are my children (especially since I am unable to bear children naturally) Mom made me feel so bad for crying. She screamed at me and told me I didn't care about her home and her feelings. I lost it. I went off on her and about her boyfriend (who I'm starting not to like) Then my sister Nicole found out that they got rid of her cat Sarah and all hell broke loose. My sister had a panic attack and eventually literally got sick over losing her cat. My mom felt so bad she went to go get Nicole's cat back.

I feel like the villain in all this-I usually do feel like this all the time. I cried for my sister and I felt like a total jerk. I just wish I could get away from my mother and her boyfriend. I need to get away from this nightmare!

Things I love

This afternoon it started to rain which inspired me to hide out in my room and write. Growing up on the farm I loved summer storms-they made amazing sounds and created wonderful smells. You could feel the land come alive after a storm. I spent a lot of summers waiting out storms-reading, coloring, writing and entertaining my grandparents (who were basically my second set of parents.) Still to this day I love the rain, the crack of lightning and the roll of thunder. It brings me back to happy memories of days long pasted. It reminds me of my grandma-who we lost 2 years ago. She was my best friend, my protector, my mother. She loved to sit on her carport and watch the rain. Usually with a big glass of homemade iced tea. My grandpa thanked the lord each time it rained because it nourished his crops during the hot summer months. Being there with both of them in their white farm house waiting out a storm was wonderful. I would often get to hear stories from my grandpa about his childhood, his days in the army (where he met Elvis) and lessons about agriculture. Then once a storm was over and grandma said it was safe for me to go outside, I would just envelope my surrounding-the smell, the taste of the air, the sounds of the birds. I would go make mud pies and play with frogs. I especially liked riding my bike through mud puddles much to my grandma's dismay.

Those memories will stay with me for a lifetime and they all had to do with rain. Its funny how something so natural and simple can bring you such peace. It makes me think of the other things I love as well. All the things I have everyday but don't always give thanks for.
Of course their is my family, my wonderful husband and my amazing friends. And then there are my animals-my dogs are always with me at home-they follow me around. They are actually in bed with me as I write this. Since my husband and I have not yet been blessed with children, my animals are my babies; especially my dogs-Courtney and khole. I also love my kitty cats-Andee, Stonie and Poot. They love to cuddle with me and when they play its always very entertaining. And of course there is Henry our parakeet. He reminds me of the love Dave has for me. How much he cares for me. Let me explain why-in November of 2009 I was very depressed. I felt like my life wasn't moving forward, I had no job and I wasn't in school. And the month before we had lost our baby. My miscarriage took a lot out of me and Dave could tell. He started telling me stories about the parakeets he used to have-Zane and Lou Lou. He told me how smart they were, how playful and the beautiful music they make. I did a little research on parakeets and was very intrigued. Then one day Dave asked me to meet him at Petsmart after he got off work. I did and we picked out Henry. It was so fun shopping for his cage and toys and food. Then we brought him home and ever since I have been fascinated watching Henry in his little cage.
Now being a girl I have to admit I also love superficial things. My motto is "I enjoy the simple things in life-like jewelry, shoes and handbags." And lord isn't that the truth. :) I have tons of purses. I LOVE them. All different colors, shapes and sizes. To me they are an extension of who I am. I probably get a new one at least once a month. I also love shoes. Most woman do. I don't have a lot of shoes but I love the ones I have. I love flats. They are comfy and cute all at the same time. Sadly I just cant walk right in heels or I would have several pairs of those, no doubt. As for jewelry-I have alot of jewelry. Not anything expensive-mostly all fashion jewelry but I treasure every piece. A lot of my pieces were Dave's grandmothers. After she pasted last August my in laws allowed me to pick from her massive amount of jewelry. That kind of started my obsession with jewelry. Every time I go out I have a least one piece on. Without them I feel naked.
I also have always had an extreme love for reading. I love fantasy novels, and christian fiction. I have a lot of books and I can never go into a book store without purchasing at least one new novel. I also have an Amazon Kindle that my husband bought me last year for my 23rd birthday. Its amazing-no need to get in the car and drive to the bookstore. Now I can purchase a book and have it delivered to my Kindle in 60 seconds. I currently have 23 books on my Kindle. When we have children I plan to read to them every night and I pray that they love reading and books just as much as I do.
I also adore photography. Ive went from a dinky 5 megapixal camera to a 700 dollar 12 megapixal Cannon Rebel. Taking pictures all the while. I love to be behind the lens of that camera. I love capturing life as it normally happens. Of course I take posed shots but I love live action shots and nature photography. I love looking at my photos and reliving the memories. All the wonderful times with family and friends. All the peaceful days, alone taking photos of the wild. Its my passion. I love it.
The last love I would like to share with you, is my love for the beauty industry. To me this is a love that is not superficial. I love to do someones hair and makeup. I love to give someone a relaxing facial and I love making people feel good. When I do my work on someone I want to make them look as good as they are on the inside. Ive always been able to assess people's moods and I love to bring that out. Work with their natural beauty and make them into a star! I love chatting with them as I work-getting to know more about them. Hair, skin, nails and makeup are all works of art for me. I love taking a blank canvas and turning it into a living masterpiece. Now I'm not saying I'm a fabulous hairstylist or makeup artist because I am still learning and will be forever learning in my career. But I just love it.

Funny how a little rain can make you think, huh?

All I have to say is ARGGHHH!

So generally I am very happy now a days because of my enrollment in school. Plus you know Dave has been working and we are trying to find a place to move to. And yesterday was awesome! Dave and I spent the evening together shopping-we went to Kohl's to get him new work clothes and then walmart for my school supplies. I love seeing my husband happy and getting something for himself for once. He usually spoils me! :)

But today I have just been frustrated! My mother let me borrow money yesterday to help Dave get his new work clothes and to help pay for our car payment; but today she is basically giving me a guilt trip for giving me the money. Her fiance has been bitchy all day about money and other crap (Example-my kitty cats) but he went and bid a job for his tree service business. So he will be bringing in over a thousand dollars like next week. I just hate this atmosphere sometimes! Its like a dark, heavy blackness of negativity and self centered people! My sisters never listen or clean up, my mom is totally bi-polar but wont admit it! And of course she wants me to help with her wedding planning-which is fine but when she found out that having a company professionally print the invites instead of us making them, she wanted to order them. She showed and told her fiance about it and he kinda freaked cause they have already spent 100 on supplies at Michael's. She just never listens to me but wants my impute. I'm sick of my opinion not mattering anymore because now her fiance seems to ALWAYS be right! ARGGGHHHH! Frustrating! Plus there is a lot of jealously cause she really didn't want to sit down with me to go over my wedding planning-no one was really involved except my husband, my mother-in-law and me. It hurt me really bad which is why we eloped! I just cant wait until school starts and we are out of here! I just need to peace!