Been awhile...

Well it has been quite awhile since my last posting, I have laid in bed many nights and thought "I should blog these feelings" but just haven't got up to do it. And then last night a friend of mine posted a new blog and shared it on Facebook. I went and read it and several others posting of hers and really missed my blogging. She also had the most awesome layout and different gadgets on her blog. So today I just had to edit and write.

A lot has been going on around our home. My mom's boyfriend who is also Hannah's daddy came home. He has been in prison the last 7 years and it has been really nice having him around. If you are wondering he went to prison for a drug charge. My own mother is a recovered meth addict. She used for over 20 years and has been to prison twice herself. Her addiction has really helped shape who I am today. I know that might sound weird but because of how she was and what I have faced due to drugs; I have become a better person. I got to see first hand the reality of life and I got to see that addiction is an awful disease. Its not just a choice; it may start out that way but soon it becomes a demon. She was born with an "addictive personality" and meth became her life. She has been sober for over 5 years now and I am very proud of her accomplishments and the battle she has faced.

I have also been facing a battle of my own. Actually I have been facing it for over three years now. Dave and I have been unable to get pregnant and lately it has really been tearing me apart! I see so many of my friends and people I went to high school with getting pregnant and having babies. It hurts to see these new mothers and fathers holding those precious miracles. Of course it also makes me overjoyed for them to be able to partake in such a blessing but I still envy them. We have tried a lot of the wife's tales-checking my temperature, charting my ovulation and just not thinking about it. But every month the same outcome happens-no baby. I actually got pregnant in Oct. of 2009 and was ecstatic! I took 4 tests just to be sure and they all had a faint blue line but several days later I started to bleed very badly and had a slight fever. So we rushed to the ER and they told us the awful news-"Your not pregnant." I was devastated-I hid from the world for over a week. I cried for the lose of our baby, for the lose of parenthood, for the loss of love. Then I was like a mad woman trying to conceive. I drove everyone crazy, especially my husband. I talked non stop about names and clothes and birthing techniques. But Dave never seemed to take an interest and it hurt me. We eventually fought over it and I found out he was too sad to want to talk about babies. He wanted a child as much as I did but just felt like talking about it made it worse. But I had to, I had to keep my hopes up or at least talk about my heartache. After over 2 years of trying I gave up, decided God wasn't ready to give us a baby and told Dave we should just wait. Then it was like a switch went off in him-suddenly our roles reversed and he was the mad man about babies. He has stayed that way to this day. Ever month if I act differently or abnormal he thinks I'm pregnant and yet he is always disappointed. But lately my urge to get pregnant has returned and now it seems like the sore has been ripped open. I haven't told Dave how sad I am. He might already know but I just want to keep this to myself (the the blogger world) for awhile. We will keep trying and see if God is ready for us to be parents. It is all in His timing and all by His grace. I was mad at God for some time and then I was worried I had did something wrong, something that would make God not want to bless me with children. And then there is also that horrible dread that something is physically wrong with me and that is why we cannot get pregnant. I don't have the money or insurance to see a fertility specialist. All the tests and procedures are sooooo expensive. And of course we are too young for adoption. So it is basically up to the old fashioned way to have a baby. I pray we can finally reach our goal. God has a baby for us, we just haven't received that blessing yet.

Wake Up Call

So just about an hour ago I got a phone call from my Dad. Now I have a close relationship with my dad but we usually only talk maybe once a month. So for him to call me was a big surprise cause I usually call him. But anyway the conversation was unpleasant to say the least. He layed into me-asking me what I'm doing with my life, where is my life going, why I don't call him more. He feels like I don't give a shit about him, which is completely ridicules cause I love my daddy with all my heart. I've always been a daddy's girl. But he went further asking how Dave is and asking if I was going to have to be the bread winner in our marriage. To which I answered yes cause its the truth. Dave will always have to deal with his epilepsy and its not something you can predict. Seizures come and seizures go. So I realized a long time ago that I was gonna have to work my ass off to support our family. Which I dont have a problem with its just getting to the point where I can bring home the bacon that's the problem.

Even though my dad made me cry and basically feel like shit-he is right. His call was a wake up call. I need to get moving on my future, I need to get my life back and I will do anything I can to achieve my goals. I want him to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. So I'm not going to be easy on myself anymore. I will defeat this anxiety and I will kick ass in this world. I have an interview on Wed. which I am pretty excited about. Its a children's closing store in the Chesterfield mall. It will start out part time and will move to full time with the potential of me becoming assistant manager. I love retail and I am very comfortable working in retail. I also love children so I will love helping mothers and fathers pick out clothing for their children. Its also a great opportunity cause since it is in chesterfield it will be really close to school. So I can go straight from school to work.

But it is amazing how sometimes we can stray so far off the path, we think we are doing things right but in reality we are not. And sometimes it takes someone you love yelling at you for you realize that you are basically screwing up big time. I respect my dad a great deal and his opinion and his approval is very important to me. So I am thankful for the relationship we have. I am thankful he can be so abrupt with me. Yeah he comes off harsh a lot and I may get mad at him for it. But after the storm has calmed I see his point and I realize he says these things cause he loves me and wants me to have a great life. I want to have a great life to and I am ready to start moving forward. Ready to stop making excuses and get my butt out of this bed. Out of this house and start making a change.

Another thing I really want to change is my spiritual life. I want to be closer to God, I want to know the scripture, I want to learn so much. I have strayed away from my Lord and I need to get back to him. I need to find a church where I am comfortable, one where I can finally have a church family.

My life starts changing now and that's all there is too it!

Lyrics for the soul

Not really much to say today except I was driving in my car back from Walmart and I was listening to my Paramore cd. One of the songs on the album really spoke to me today for some reason. Maybe it reminded me of things that are going on in my life. Things that happened within the last year. Losing my grandma, Dave and I having to move in with my mom, my dog dying, my anxiety being more then I can handle. But anywho here are the lyrics to "Turn it Off" by Paramore.

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Lonely...

I really miss having good girl friends. Girls I can talk to about anything and everything, girls I can hang out with and laugh with and cry with. I've grown apart from all my high school friends; yes I still talk to them and occasionally see them but its just not the same. I see a lot of my facebook friends hanging out with their friends and posting about the fun they are having. I miss that. I just wish I had a special group of friends I could talk with and hang out with. I spend a lot of time with my mom and she is great but sometimes a girl just needs to be around other girls her age-you know? I just feel like I've stopped moving forward. Like I'm standing perfectly still watching those around me move forward. Its frustrating and it makes me very sad. I just need to get out. I'm not really a go out and about kind of girl but I love hanging out with friends. Going to their houses and just enjoying each other's company. I just seems so much harder to meet new friends now that I'm out of high school. Life is truly complicating for me right now. UGH....Lonely.

Where the Heart is

So today was honestly one of the worst days of my life! My husband has epilepsy and sometimes he has very bad grand mal seizures. Today was no exception. Since Sunday morning my hubby had been having a very bad migraine and today everything went downhill. He was laying on the couch and started to have a small seizure. So at first I didn't think much of it but after 5 minutes he still hadn't came out of it. So my mom called 911 and we had an ambulance rushed to us. Now I have had to call an ambulance for him many times so I wasn't very freaked out. I thought they would come, stop his seizure and take him to our local ER. Well after about 7 minutes of them being here I started to notice something was very wrong. And I was right; his oxygen levels were too low and they were unable to bring him out of the seizure. One of the paramedics even started looking scared. Then she kept calling for the fire department to be dispatched here asap and then she called to have air vac flown in. That's when I lost it! I started crying hysterically and hyperventilating. Finally after Dave being in a seizure for over 20 minutes they brought him out of it and took him to the helicopter. Where they land is in a field right next to our house so I was able to watch them load him and take off.

Thankfully now Dave is fine. He was admitted to the hospital and is in the best care. This whole thing made me see things very differently. We all take things for granted and I have took my marriage with Dave for granted. At the thought of losing him I broke, I saw my life without him. I saw no children, no dream house that we had bought ourselves and made our home. So now I  know I will start doing things differently, I will appreciate him more and be a better wife, the wife he deserves. Because he treats me like his queen! I love him so much and I know God was testing me. I will be better for Dave and for God! I know where my heart it and it is in Dave's hands!

Watch Me Grow

Today was such a goregous day! My mom went out and bought one of those roll and grow flowers a couple days ago so I asked Dave if he would help me put them in our flower bed. And he is so wonderful that he dug up all the weeds and raked out the soil. I rolled out the flower seeds and we watered the crap out of the bed. Its gonna look gorgeous in 10-14 days!

Gardening always reminds me of new opportunities and chance for growth. And its fitting that I decided to plant these seeds because lately I have been reevaluating my life and wanting to grow as a person. I look at old pictures of myself and realize that that girl in the pictures is a stranger to me now. I used to be outgoing, active and ready for anything. Now I barely live a life! I want change and I'm determined to get it. I'm ready to be a better me and branch out my life. I think starting this blog was a good first step for me cause it made me start thinking. Thinking about what to write and thinking about my life. School will be another good step for me. I start my esthetics's classes in September and I know it will be a well needed change. In school I always shined-I love learning and in high school I maintained very good grades. I was a cheerleader and in FCCLA. I loved being involved with school projects and activities and I know it will be no different this time around. Last time I was in college I did really well. I had one of the highest G.P.A.s in school and I loved all my teachers. Xenon was like a second home and I can't wait to go back! I also would like to find a small part time job-that is the scary thing for me. My anxiety is so bad that interviews are awful for me. When I get to the job location and actually sit down for the interview I'm fine but before I am a bucket of nerves! But maybe a small restaurant or a little retail store would be good. A way for me to make a little money and feel good about myself. Jobs are hard to come by but fast food or restaurants are always in need for more help. My husband and I have also decided we need to move into our own place again. I love my mom and my sisters as I have stated in my last post but living in someone else's space is nearly impossible. So we have started looking for a small rental home. I can't wait to be amidst my own stuff again, putting up my pictures and nick-knacks and organizing my stuff. I love to organize. Everything has a place and every place needs a thing-as I like to say. The last thing I plan to do is make a list-I am a big list maker. One that details what I would like to improve about myself.
This whole new journey will take a long time and it will be difficult at times but I know it will make me much happier. Just like the new seeds in my flower bed; I can't wait to see myself, my life and my future grow!

A day of gray

Starting something is actually one of my biggest flaws. I have some many things rolling around in my head and I always say to myself "I should write about it, I should blog it!" Many of my friends blog and I love reading about their triumphs, their struggles or just there day to day lives. So why not me? I could do that-I tell myself. So here I am, here I go.
Today was beyond awful. I haven't felt right for about three weeks now and I didn't get much sleep because I wanted to watch the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. Which by the way was beyond words-simply amazing. A great event for my generation. So When I finally got some sleep-it was restless, filled with the odd things I dream about. When I woke up needless to say I felt like crap. I didn't want to do anything today, just wanted to try to fell better. But unfortunately I live with my mother. Now don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart but she is a clean freak. And yes the house was a little messy so I knew that she would want to clean it today. I tried to do some little things to help, things that wouldn't wear me out even more. But she just went off the deep end! She screamed about the cats and the dogs and how the house never used to get this back. So I take her words as hurtful. And after hearing her talk like this for months upon months it has started to get to me. When I do help her it is never enough, there is always something more she wants from me. And I don't mind helping her its just that she belittles me so much. Tells me I don't take care of my animals well and complains about the mess in my room. My husband and I moved out of our apartment and in with my mom so we could save up for a house. So all of our things are either crammed into a tiny closet or stacked all around our room or in our tiny storage unit we rented. 
I feel like I cant breathe here sometimes. Like I cant be my true self. Sometimes I feel like this house is my personal prison. Its not big enough for us all and that is why is gets messy quickly. When I had my own place I cleaned almost everyday, but I knew where my things and my husbands things went. I didn't have someone breathing down my neck on when it needed to be cleaned. If I felt yucky one day I would say "aww skip the house work today" and I would work on it the next day. I just need to feel like myself again and I cant do it here.
So I call today a Day of Gray because its not total blackness and its definitely not sunny. Its a day where I total lost it on my mom and we fought ugly but it was also a day where I realized that I need my own space, somewhere to be me. Ive always thought Gray Days were a time to think and draw new conclusions and today I have decided to move out of here.