Positive! Positive! Read all about it!

So it always seems that I am starting the first line of my blogs with "Sorry it has been so long since I last wrote; I have been so busy." Well I have been uber busy! It would take me like 4 hours to write all that has been going on so I'll give you the short version. My hubby and I moved into our new place-YAY! I turned 24-YAY! My mama got married-YAY! My best friend Lila moved in with us-YAY! And I start cosmetology school next month; finally-YAY YAY YAY! I haven't been able to start cosmo school on my Aug. and then Sept. start dates due to family issues but now I am finally relaxed and comfortable in my new home and I am so ready for school. I have also been searching for a job that will work around my odd school schedule and I think I found that place. Justice-the little girl clothing store in O'fallon! I had an interview today and it went super great! I have started on this new path of positivity and it is really working. I am feeling better, I have more confidence and things are starting to work out for my husband and me! I'm just starting to feel happy again and more like my old self. I am ready to take on a whole lot and ready to help build my career and a great life for my hubby and I! Plus it is also fall-my favorite time of the year! Its getting chilly out and its only a handful of days until Halloween! I'm gonna be a bar maid from the fictional bar Merlotte's from HBO's True Blood. They have the t-shirts and little aprons at Hot Topic at the mall. I am super excited to hand out candy to all the little ones and watch some scary movies with my hubby! And my hubby's b-day is coming up too so I am planning some super surprises for him as well. Then after all that it will only be a hop, skip and jump before the holiday season starts! I love Christmas-its such a magical time filled with love, warmth and giving. Plus I love to decorate. It's gonna be the first time I won't stay the night at my mom's on Christmas Eve. I just thinks its time Dave and I celebrate our own Christmas morning.

Man I am just filled with happiness, peace and positivity! I hope everyone can try being more positive cause it really works. I used to be such a debbie downer about everything and I worried non-stop. But now I'm trying to turn the negative thoughts and bad experiences into something good. It really helps make my life and my relationship with my husband and family much better. We still have our problems but we are working through them and enjoying the ups and downs of our lives. It's just how it goes-the world will always have problems, anger, sadness, death. But there is also life, love and people to share all of that with! So everyone keep your heads held high and think positive. See what it can do for you and your life!

Love and blessing to all!

Our Family at Mom's Wedding



Our Bedroom

Our Kitchen

Pictures of my sisters!

Awesome shelves with pictures

My babie on our porch!

Our entertainment center and more decor!

More decor

Our entryway

My hubby relaxing!

A Nightmare of a Life

I feel as if I can do nothing right. Its been like that my whole life-letting people down or saying the wrong thing. It especially seems this way with my mother. I feel like I am not the daughter she wanted. No matter what I'm always to blame or I have to come and help her clean up her problems. Living with her these last 13 months has been a little bit of a nightmare. She is so anal about how she wants things done or cleaned. She is someone who expects you to be a certain way but she does not live up to her own standards. It's draining. And it has only gotten worse since her boyfriend/fiance moved in. Things are slowly changing into what he wants.

Tonight is the perfect example. We have 4 cats-three of them are mine. Well one of the cats has been going to the bathroom in various places around the house (bathtub, closet, kitchen) and last night mom and her boyfriend had a fit about it. Now I can understand that no one wants to find cat poop on the floor or in your bathroom but my mom's fiance went as far as saying he was gonna shoot them all! So when he came home from work today the subject somehow came up. He got super pissed and stormed out. Then mom got pissed. So I said "Screw all this-just get rid of them all!" So my husband and my mom's boyfriend took three of our 4 cats to a friend of ours house. Someone they knew would take care of them. I of course cried cause I loved my kitties. I love all my animals like they are my children (especially since I am unable to bear children naturally) Mom made me feel so bad for crying. She screamed at me and told me I didn't care about her home and her feelings. I lost it. I went off on her and about her boyfriend (who I'm starting not to like) Then my sister Nicole found out that they got rid of her cat Sarah and all hell broke loose. My sister had a panic attack and eventually literally got sick over losing her cat. My mom felt so bad she went to go get Nicole's cat back.

I feel like the villain in all this-I usually do feel like this all the time. I cried for my sister and I felt like a total jerk. I just wish I could get away from my mother and her boyfriend. I need to get away from this nightmare!

Things I love

This afternoon it started to rain which inspired me to hide out in my room and write. Growing up on the farm I loved summer storms-they made amazing sounds and created wonderful smells. You could feel the land come alive after a storm. I spent a lot of summers waiting out storms-reading, coloring, writing and entertaining my grandparents (who were basically my second set of parents.) Still to this day I love the rain, the crack of lightning and the roll of thunder. It brings me back to happy memories of days long pasted. It reminds me of my grandma-who we lost 2 years ago. She was my best friend, my protector, my mother. She loved to sit on her carport and watch the rain. Usually with a big glass of homemade iced tea. My grandpa thanked the lord each time it rained because it nourished his crops during the hot summer months. Being there with both of them in their white farm house waiting out a storm was wonderful. I would often get to hear stories from my grandpa about his childhood, his days in the army (where he met Elvis) and lessons about agriculture. Then once a storm was over and grandma said it was safe for me to go outside, I would just envelope my surrounding-the smell, the taste of the air, the sounds of the birds. I would go make mud pies and play with frogs. I especially liked riding my bike through mud puddles much to my grandma's dismay.

Those memories will stay with me for a lifetime and they all had to do with rain. Its funny how something so natural and simple can bring you such peace. It makes me think of the other things I love as well. All the things I have everyday but don't always give thanks for.
Of course their is my family, my wonderful husband and my amazing friends. And then there are my animals-my dogs are always with me at home-they follow me around. They are actually in bed with me as I write this. Since my husband and I have not yet been blessed with children, my animals are my babies; especially my dogs-Courtney and khole. I also love my kitty cats-Andee, Stonie and Poot. They love to cuddle with me and when they play its always very entertaining. And of course there is Henry our parakeet. He reminds me of the love Dave has for me. How much he cares for me. Let me explain why-in November of 2009 I was very depressed. I felt like my life wasn't moving forward, I had no job and I wasn't in school. And the month before we had lost our baby. My miscarriage took a lot out of me and Dave could tell. He started telling me stories about the parakeets he used to have-Zane and Lou Lou. He told me how smart they were, how playful and the beautiful music they make. I did a little research on parakeets and was very intrigued. Then one day Dave asked me to meet him at Petsmart after he got off work. I did and we picked out Henry. It was so fun shopping for his cage and toys and food. Then we brought him home and ever since I have been fascinated watching Henry in his little cage.
Now being a girl I have to admit I also love superficial things. My motto is "I enjoy the simple things in life-like jewelry, shoes and handbags." And lord isn't that the truth. :) I have tons of purses. I LOVE them. All different colors, shapes and sizes. To me they are an extension of who I am. I probably get a new one at least once a month. I also love shoes. Most woman do. I don't have a lot of shoes but I love the ones I have. I love flats. They are comfy and cute all at the same time. Sadly I just cant walk right in heels or I would have several pairs of those, no doubt. As for jewelry-I have alot of jewelry. Not anything expensive-mostly all fashion jewelry but I treasure every piece. A lot of my pieces were Dave's grandmothers. After she pasted last August my in laws allowed me to pick from her massive amount of jewelry. That kind of started my obsession with jewelry. Every time I go out I have a least one piece on. Without them I feel naked.
I also have always had an extreme love for reading. I love fantasy novels, and christian fiction. I have a lot of books and I can never go into a book store without purchasing at least one new novel. I also have an Amazon Kindle that my husband bought me last year for my 23rd birthday. Its amazing-no need to get in the car and drive to the bookstore. Now I can purchase a book and have it delivered to my Kindle in 60 seconds. I currently have 23 books on my Kindle. When we have children I plan to read to them every night and I pray that they love reading and books just as much as I do.
I also adore photography. Ive went from a dinky 5 megapixal camera to a 700 dollar 12 megapixal Cannon Rebel. Taking pictures all the while. I love to be behind the lens of that camera. I love capturing life as it normally happens. Of course I take posed shots but I love live action shots and nature photography. I love looking at my photos and reliving the memories. All the wonderful times with family and friends. All the peaceful days, alone taking photos of the wild. Its my passion. I love it.
The last love I would like to share with you, is my love for the beauty industry. To me this is a love that is not superficial. I love to do someones hair and makeup. I love to give someone a relaxing facial and I love making people feel good. When I do my work on someone I want to make them look as good as they are on the inside. Ive always been able to assess people's moods and I love to bring that out. Work with their natural beauty and make them into a star! I love chatting with them as I work-getting to know more about them. Hair, skin, nails and makeup are all works of art for me. I love taking a blank canvas and turning it into a living masterpiece. Now I'm not saying I'm a fabulous hairstylist or makeup artist because I am still learning and will be forever learning in my career. But I just love it.

Funny how a little rain can make you think, huh?

All I have to say is ARGGHHH!

So generally I am very happy now a days because of my enrollment in school. Plus you know Dave has been working and we are trying to find a place to move to. And yesterday was awesome! Dave and I spent the evening together shopping-we went to Kohl's to get him new work clothes and then walmart for my school supplies. I love seeing my husband happy and getting something for himself for once. He usually spoils me! :)

But today I have just been frustrated! My mother let me borrow money yesterday to help Dave get his new work clothes and to help pay for our car payment; but today she is basically giving me a guilt trip for giving me the money. Her fiance has been bitchy all day about money and other crap (Example-my kitty cats) but he went and bid a job for his tree service business. So he will be bringing in over a thousand dollars like next week. I just hate this atmosphere sometimes! Its like a dark, heavy blackness of negativity and self centered people! My sisters never listen or clean up, my mom is totally bi-polar but wont admit it! And of course she wants me to help with her wedding planning-which is fine but when she found out that having a company professionally print the invites instead of us making them, she wanted to order them. She showed and told her fiance about it and he kinda freaked cause they have already spent 100 on supplies at Michael's. She just never listens to me but wants my impute. I'm sick of my opinion not mattering anymore because now her fiance seems to ALWAYS be right! ARGGGHHHH! Frustrating! Plus there is a lot of jealously cause she really didn't want to sit down with me to go over my wedding planning-no one was really involved except my husband, my mother-in-law and me. It hurt me really bad which is why we eloped! I just cant wait until school starts and we are out of here! I just need to peace!

Beautiful Days

Oh my goodness it has been a long time since I have written a blog! So happy to be on here posting again and man has a lot gone down this summer! I could probably write 40 blogs about all the odd or exciting things that have been happening! LOL So anyway first and foremost I AM ENROLLED IN SCHOOL! Im just gobsmaked on starting Cosmetology school again! I will be attending Regency Beauty Institute-I had a school/salon tour this week. It was amazing-the director Michelle was just a joy to be around! She was bubbly and full of passion about the beauty industry. I was going to enroll for the September class but she told me there was still an opening for the August class. So I took it. And that is so unlike me-usually I just want to put stuff off because of my anxiety but I have been doing so much better. I went to the doctor at the end of June and he put me on a new anti-depressant and an anti anxiety. They are working really well together. But I have a follow up tomorrow and I think he is going to put me on another anxiety medicine as well since Im having to take my anxiety meds everyday (which I really not supposed to.) I need something for my panic disorder. So tomorrow it should be a good appointment. (Hopefully)
In other news my mom is getting married! In two months!!!! I know fast huh? We are literally in crunch time. We have an appointment at Davids Bridal this coming thursday. Im really excited for my mom and to get to try on bridesmaids dresses. I'm the Matron of honor! They have decided on a steel gray color which I love! I love all shades of gray and I think it will look very elegant! We are making their invitations so this week I will be busy making over 140 invites! Man that is gonna suck!
Also Dave is back at work-so happy about that! He decided to cancel his disability claim because he was so depressed just sitting around the house day in and out! Now he is so much happier. He went back to Clarkson Eyecare. He is so good at optical and selling. Its a good job until he passes his state boards for funeral directing. He actually works three doors down from my school! So we can have lunch together and car pool-really help save money! Gonna be so awesome!
Last bit of news which is probably one of the most exciting piece of news I got is my two best friends-Nichole and Samatha are engaged!!!!!! Yes thats right they are both girls-yes they are gay-WHO CARES! The title means nothing-the LOVE means everything! They are getting married September 22nd, 2012 and Sam asked me to be her Matron of Honor! I was so honored and I feel so blessed to be loved by such great woman! I am so happy they have found each other and are gonna embark on this new life journey together!

Eveything is just going really great right now-God truly blesses me and those around me everyday! Thank you Lord for all you do! We are all forever grateful!

Fam(ILY)

Lately there is has been several things I have wanted to blog about but just haven't went and done it. Life has been pretty normal and pretty blah. I have been having some bad days. Lately everyday I have woke up with a skull cracking headache and every night it starts up again. Plus my anxiety has really been acting up. Luckily I have a doctor appt in a week! : )

But for a more happy topic-Today (well yesterday since it is 2:24am) was Father's Day. I spent most of the day at home cause I could not find my dad. This happens a lot in the summer cause my dad owns a pool company and any day that has nice weather is a good day for Dad to clean and work on pools. But I eventually found him and we spent several wonderful hours together. We talked about a lot of stuff that has been bothering both of us and we worked a lot out. Plus he loved the gifts I got him (two shirts, a picture frame with our picture in it and a CD.) Dad made me start seeing things differently. Its like he encourages me and roots me on. He makes me feel normal. Which makes me wonder why I feel so out of sorts here at my moms? But we also talked about religion and he gave me some great scriptures to look up. I love discussing religion with my dad-he is just a breath of fresh air compared to most religious figures I have spoke with. Also Dad has agreed to pay to get my teeth fixed. Sadly I have bad teeth, I always have. I have 4 bad teeth and I don't want to have anymore pulled. I am just ready to have a nice and healthy mouth. I also think my headaches might be from my bad teeth.

So tomorrow I will be calling the dentist and looking for a new job. I have only a week until I have to go get the 10 grand from my grandpa to go pay off my student loans and then REGISTER FOR SCHOOL! I have been having problems figuring out which program I want to start first-cosmetology or esthetics. Dad has recommend esthetics first since it is the shortest program, plus I could potential make more money with that license opposed to waiting over a year to get my cosmo license.

It was just a happy day filled with hope!

The Creation of Beauty is Art

So for once I'm actually gonna write a happy blog! As some of you may know (I don't really know if many read my blog) that I have been soul searching. A lot of it has to do with my career choice and path. I love skin, skin care and all that implies; I always have and always will. God gave me a gift and a love for skin. Now that sounds weird but I believe that the little and big things we love or are talented at are all God's purpose for us. And He made me with a love for skin. BUT lately I have been thinking I also want to go to school for Cosmetology. I went before-spend two months in cosmetology school and basically flaked out on it. I dont really know why; I used to think it was because I didn't have a true passion for it but now I think I was just scared. But now I am ready and I really think I would be great at hair, skin and nails. So I plan to attend cosmetology school for a year, get my license and then go to school for esthetics's. I will be double licensed and killer good. I'll be a double threat-he he he. I will be able to build a higher clientele and ultimately make more money. Money shouldn't be what pulls us to our calling and it shouldn't control our life but it is important. We need it to live and survive. I dont want to be a millionaire and I know I probably never will be. I dont want to be famous or drive a Bentley or live in a 4.5 million dollar home. I just want a nice ranch size home, a reliable car, money for my bills (and of course a little extra for my purse, makeup and book addiction) money in my my savings for my children and to be able to support and take care of my family. For those of you who dont know my husband is disabled. He worked for the first 2 and half years of our relationship but finally he had to give in. He has epilepsy, anxiety, depression and kidney disease. He is such a strong man though, he never lets his illnesses get him down and he never complains. I have to tell him to rest or slow down. He is a true survivor (he actually survived Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma cancer) and he is my inspiration and my driving force. He took care of me when I was too depressed to get out of bed or go out and face the world so now I will be his rock. I want to be a woman that my children look up to, a woman that my parents are proud of, the woman God made me to be. His purpose isn't always clear but when it is reveled to us it is amazing! I'm truly happy right now!

Been awhile...

Well it has been quite awhile since my last posting, I have laid in bed many nights and thought "I should blog these feelings" but just haven't got up to do it. And then last night a friend of mine posted a new blog and shared it on Facebook. I went and read it and several others posting of hers and really missed my blogging. She also had the most awesome layout and different gadgets on her blog. So today I just had to edit and write.

A lot has been going on around our home. My mom's boyfriend who is also Hannah's daddy came home. He has been in prison the last 7 years and it has been really nice having him around. If you are wondering he went to prison for a drug charge. My own mother is a recovered meth addict. She used for over 20 years and has been to prison twice herself. Her addiction has really helped shape who I am today. I know that might sound weird but because of how she was and what I have faced due to drugs; I have become a better person. I got to see first hand the reality of life and I got to see that addiction is an awful disease. Its not just a choice; it may start out that way but soon it becomes a demon. She was born with an "addictive personality" and meth became her life. She has been sober for over 5 years now and I am very proud of her accomplishments and the battle she has faced.

I have also been facing a battle of my own. Actually I have been facing it for over three years now. Dave and I have been unable to get pregnant and lately it has really been tearing me apart! I see so many of my friends and people I went to high school with getting pregnant and having babies. It hurts to see these new mothers and fathers holding those precious miracles. Of course it also makes me overjoyed for them to be able to partake in such a blessing but I still envy them. We have tried a lot of the wife's tales-checking my temperature, charting my ovulation and just not thinking about it. But every month the same outcome happens-no baby. I actually got pregnant in Oct. of 2009 and was ecstatic! I took 4 tests just to be sure and they all had a faint blue line but several days later I started to bleed very badly and had a slight fever. So we rushed to the ER and they told us the awful news-"Your not pregnant." I was devastated-I hid from the world for over a week. I cried for the lose of our baby, for the lose of parenthood, for the loss of love. Then I was like a mad woman trying to conceive. I drove everyone crazy, especially my husband. I talked non stop about names and clothes and birthing techniques. But Dave never seemed to take an interest and it hurt me. We eventually fought over it and I found out he was too sad to want to talk about babies. He wanted a child as much as I did but just felt like talking about it made it worse. But I had to, I had to keep my hopes up or at least talk about my heartache. After over 2 years of trying I gave up, decided God wasn't ready to give us a baby and told Dave we should just wait. Then it was like a switch went off in him-suddenly our roles reversed and he was the mad man about babies. He has stayed that way to this day. Ever month if I act differently or abnormal he thinks I'm pregnant and yet he is always disappointed. But lately my urge to get pregnant has returned and now it seems like the sore has been ripped open. I haven't told Dave how sad I am. He might already know but I just want to keep this to myself (the the blogger world) for awhile. We will keep trying and see if God is ready for us to be parents. It is all in His timing and all by His grace. I was mad at God for some time and then I was worried I had did something wrong, something that would make God not want to bless me with children. And then there is also that horrible dread that something is physically wrong with me and that is why we cannot get pregnant. I don't have the money or insurance to see a fertility specialist. All the tests and procedures are sooooo expensive. And of course we are too young for adoption. So it is basically up to the old fashioned way to have a baby. I pray we can finally reach our goal. God has a baby for us, we just haven't received that blessing yet.

Wake Up Call

So just about an hour ago I got a phone call from my Dad. Now I have a close relationship with my dad but we usually only talk maybe once a month. So for him to call me was a big surprise cause I usually call him. But anyway the conversation was unpleasant to say the least. He layed into me-asking me what I'm doing with my life, where is my life going, why I don't call him more. He feels like I don't give a shit about him, which is completely ridicules cause I love my daddy with all my heart. I've always been a daddy's girl. But he went further asking how Dave is and asking if I was going to have to be the bread winner in our marriage. To which I answered yes cause its the truth. Dave will always have to deal with his epilepsy and its not something you can predict. Seizures come and seizures go. So I realized a long time ago that I was gonna have to work my ass off to support our family. Which I dont have a problem with its just getting to the point where I can bring home the bacon that's the problem.

Even though my dad made me cry and basically feel like shit-he is right. His call was a wake up call. I need to get moving on my future, I need to get my life back and I will do anything I can to achieve my goals. I want him to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. So I'm not going to be easy on myself anymore. I will defeat this anxiety and I will kick ass in this world. I have an interview on Wed. which I am pretty excited about. Its a children's closing store in the Chesterfield mall. It will start out part time and will move to full time with the potential of me becoming assistant manager. I love retail and I am very comfortable working in retail. I also love children so I will love helping mothers and fathers pick out clothing for their children. Its also a great opportunity cause since it is in chesterfield it will be really close to school. So I can go straight from school to work.

But it is amazing how sometimes we can stray so far off the path, we think we are doing things right but in reality we are not. And sometimes it takes someone you love yelling at you for you realize that you are basically screwing up big time. I respect my dad a great deal and his opinion and his approval is very important to me. So I am thankful for the relationship we have. I am thankful he can be so abrupt with me. Yeah he comes off harsh a lot and I may get mad at him for it. But after the storm has calmed I see his point and I realize he says these things cause he loves me and wants me to have a great life. I want to have a great life to and I am ready to start moving forward. Ready to stop making excuses and get my butt out of this bed. Out of this house and start making a change.

Another thing I really want to change is my spiritual life. I want to be closer to God, I want to know the scripture, I want to learn so much. I have strayed away from my Lord and I need to get back to him. I need to find a church where I am comfortable, one where I can finally have a church family.

My life starts changing now and that's all there is too it!

Lyrics for the soul

Not really much to say today except I was driving in my car back from Walmart and I was listening to my Paramore cd. One of the songs on the album really spoke to me today for some reason. Maybe it reminded me of things that are going on in my life. Things that happened within the last year. Losing my grandma, Dave and I having to move in with my mom, my dog dying, my anxiety being more then I can handle. But anywho here are the lyrics to "Turn it Off" by Paramore.

I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom

Lonely...

I really miss having good girl friends. Girls I can talk to about anything and everything, girls I can hang out with and laugh with and cry with. I've grown apart from all my high school friends; yes I still talk to them and occasionally see them but its just not the same. I see a lot of my facebook friends hanging out with their friends and posting about the fun they are having. I miss that. I just wish I had a special group of friends I could talk with and hang out with. I spend a lot of time with my mom and she is great but sometimes a girl just needs to be around other girls her age-you know? I just feel like I've stopped moving forward. Like I'm standing perfectly still watching those around me move forward. Its frustrating and it makes me very sad. I just need to get out. I'm not really a go out and about kind of girl but I love hanging out with friends. Going to their houses and just enjoying each other's company. I just seems so much harder to meet new friends now that I'm out of high school. Life is truly complicating for me right now. UGH....Lonely.

Where the Heart is

So today was honestly one of the worst days of my life! My husband has epilepsy and sometimes he has very bad grand mal seizures. Today was no exception. Since Sunday morning my hubby had been having a very bad migraine and today everything went downhill. He was laying on the couch and started to have a small seizure. So at first I didn't think much of it but after 5 minutes he still hadn't came out of it. So my mom called 911 and we had an ambulance rushed to us. Now I have had to call an ambulance for him many times so I wasn't very freaked out. I thought they would come, stop his seizure and take him to our local ER. Well after about 7 minutes of them being here I started to notice something was very wrong. And I was right; his oxygen levels were too low and they were unable to bring him out of the seizure. One of the paramedics even started looking scared. Then she kept calling for the fire department to be dispatched here asap and then she called to have air vac flown in. That's when I lost it! I started crying hysterically and hyperventilating. Finally after Dave being in a seizure for over 20 minutes they brought him out of it and took him to the helicopter. Where they land is in a field right next to our house so I was able to watch them load him and take off.

Thankfully now Dave is fine. He was admitted to the hospital and is in the best care. This whole thing made me see things very differently. We all take things for granted and I have took my marriage with Dave for granted. At the thought of losing him I broke, I saw my life without him. I saw no children, no dream house that we had bought ourselves and made our home. So now I  know I will start doing things differently, I will appreciate him more and be a better wife, the wife he deserves. Because he treats me like his queen! I love him so much and I know God was testing me. I will be better for Dave and for God! I know where my heart it and it is in Dave's hands!

Watch Me Grow

Today was such a goregous day! My mom went out and bought one of those roll and grow flowers a couple days ago so I asked Dave if he would help me put them in our flower bed. And he is so wonderful that he dug up all the weeds and raked out the soil. I rolled out the flower seeds and we watered the crap out of the bed. Its gonna look gorgeous in 10-14 days!

Gardening always reminds me of new opportunities and chance for growth. And its fitting that I decided to plant these seeds because lately I have been reevaluating my life and wanting to grow as a person. I look at old pictures of myself and realize that that girl in the pictures is a stranger to me now. I used to be outgoing, active and ready for anything. Now I barely live a life! I want change and I'm determined to get it. I'm ready to be a better me and branch out my life. I think starting this blog was a good first step for me cause it made me start thinking. Thinking about what to write and thinking about my life. School will be another good step for me. I start my esthetics's classes in September and I know it will be a well needed change. In school I always shined-I love learning and in high school I maintained very good grades. I was a cheerleader and in FCCLA. I loved being involved with school projects and activities and I know it will be no different this time around. Last time I was in college I did really well. I had one of the highest G.P.A.s in school and I loved all my teachers. Xenon was like a second home and I can't wait to go back! I also would like to find a small part time job-that is the scary thing for me. My anxiety is so bad that interviews are awful for me. When I get to the job location and actually sit down for the interview I'm fine but before I am a bucket of nerves! But maybe a small restaurant or a little retail store would be good. A way for me to make a little money and feel good about myself. Jobs are hard to come by but fast food or restaurants are always in need for more help. My husband and I have also decided we need to move into our own place again. I love my mom and my sisters as I have stated in my last post but living in someone else's space is nearly impossible. So we have started looking for a small rental home. I can't wait to be amidst my own stuff again, putting up my pictures and nick-knacks and organizing my stuff. I love to organize. Everything has a place and every place needs a thing-as I like to say. The last thing I plan to do is make a list-I am a big list maker. One that details what I would like to improve about myself.
This whole new journey will take a long time and it will be difficult at times but I know it will make me much happier. Just like the new seeds in my flower bed; I can't wait to see myself, my life and my future grow!

A day of gray

Starting something is actually one of my biggest flaws. I have some many things rolling around in my head and I always say to myself "I should write about it, I should blog it!" Many of my friends blog and I love reading about their triumphs, their struggles or just there day to day lives. So why not me? I could do that-I tell myself. So here I am, here I go.
Today was beyond awful. I haven't felt right for about three weeks now and I didn't get much sleep because I wanted to watch the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton. Which by the way was beyond words-simply amazing. A great event for my generation. So When I finally got some sleep-it was restless, filled with the odd things I dream about. When I woke up needless to say I felt like crap. I didn't want to do anything today, just wanted to try to fell better. But unfortunately I live with my mother. Now don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart but she is a clean freak. And yes the house was a little messy so I knew that she would want to clean it today. I tried to do some little things to help, things that wouldn't wear me out even more. But she just went off the deep end! She screamed about the cats and the dogs and how the house never used to get this back. So I take her words as hurtful. And after hearing her talk like this for months upon months it has started to get to me. When I do help her it is never enough, there is always something more she wants from me. And I don't mind helping her its just that she belittles me so much. Tells me I don't take care of my animals well and complains about the mess in my room. My husband and I moved out of our apartment and in with my mom so we could save up for a house. So all of our things are either crammed into a tiny closet or stacked all around our room or in our tiny storage unit we rented. 
I feel like I cant breathe here sometimes. Like I cant be my true self. Sometimes I feel like this house is my personal prison. Its not big enough for us all and that is why is gets messy quickly. When I had my own place I cleaned almost everyday, but I knew where my things and my husbands things went. I didn't have someone breathing down my neck on when it needed to be cleaned. If I felt yucky one day I would say "aww skip the house work today" and I would work on it the next day. I just need to feel like myself again and I cant do it here.
So I call today a Day of Gray because its not total blackness and its definitely not sunny. Its a day where I total lost it on my mom and we fought ugly but it was also a day where I realized that I need my own space, somewhere to be me. Ive always thought Gray Days were a time to think and draw new conclusions and today I have decided to move out of here.